Anxiety

Well, I haven't written in quite awhile. I stopped blogging, I guess, because I had gotten to the point where I was doing much better. In addition to blogging to ease my anxiety, I was walking / meditating / doing yoga / reading self-help books / doing breathing exercises / doing TEA forms....basically any technique I knew of that could help. And guess what? It all did help. I wasn't perfect, but was making some accomplishments. I was getting to the point where I could write in front of others without shaking too much. I was most happy about that.

  But.....I got tired of doing stuff everyday. Since I was feeling better I thought, "well, I'll do it tomorrow...I'll do it the day after" and so on. I got lazy with it. And the anxiety came back...it came back pretty quickly. Of course, this made me frustrated. Am I going to have to constantly, actively fight against anxiety for the rest of my life? It's not fair, no one else has to do several things a day just to get themselves to a point where they can write or eat in front of others without shaking. How much fun is life when I can't have one day of laying on the couch watching tv instead of having to deal with anxiety?

All the things I was doing were helping, but for how long do I have to do them, you know? A year? 5 years? The rest of my life? I keep up all my techniques for a couple months, then I kinda lose motivation. It gets old having to do this stuff. It helps me feel better, but just the fact that I have to do so much so often to combat anxiety feels like it keeps anxiety a major prescence in my life. You know what I mean?

I want to be able to keep up my motivation. I certainly don't want to have anxiety. And I'm certainly not expecting a quick fix. I just wish I knew how long I have to keep up constant defence against anxiety. When will I be recovered enough to let my guards down for awhile without relapsing? I don't want to live like this forever.

I'm not the type of person who loves to do yoga or go out running. It's work for me. Sitting down to read self-help books or journal about my issues becomes work to me after I've read through textbooks and written papers for my classes all day. Even meditation becomes work because it gets old, my mind wanders, and sometimes I'd rather just be staring blankly at the tv.

When I first learn about a technique it works for me. The novelty of it keeps me motivated. Novelty wears off......

So now I'm sitting here very anxious about my summer classes starting on Monday. The classes I have are going to be very hard. One class is with a professor that I hate because once before she said I appeared "bored." Excuse me, lady. I love the program I'm in. I can't wait to work in the field. I'm sorry that I'm a quiet person. I'm sorry that I don't show much emotion. I'm sorry that I don't run around turning cartwheels, expressing my excitement. Geez, lady. So I'm not looking forward to that class, feeling like this professor thinks I'm a weirdo and an idiot or something.

My hands have been shaking all week. I'm worrying about having to write something with someone staring at me. In my program, we have to do a clinical practicum every semester. If you are placed somewhere on campus, you get a key. To get the key, you have to sign a logbook in front of the secretary. I believe I posted an earlier blog on how much my hand shook when I signed that book at the beginning of this semester. Well, I didn't know where I'd be placed this semester and I was praying that it wouldn't be anywhere on campus so that I wouldn't get a key so that I wouldn't have to go face that lady and sign the book again shaking like a leaf. Well, anyways, I found out that my clinical practicum will be at a nursing home this semester. Great! No key, no signing! But that doesn't mean no worrying. Now, I have started running scenarios through my head of how I may have to help feed the residents in front of my supervisor and how I won't be able to get the spoon to the residents mouth without shaking wildly. I've started picturing how I will have to fill out tests and other paperwork in front of my supervisor shaking wildly. Ugh....

I know other people must be so confused. I'll be smiling and talking with them and then, out of nowhere, they ask me to sign something and I can barely get my name on the paper. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm making excuses..."sorry, I'm not feeling well today"...."sorry, I'm getting a migraine." Excuses and apologies.

I hate to say it's not fair. I know life isn't fair. I know that others have it worse than me. I know I'm relatively lucky. But, I can't hel but think it's not fair. Writing and eating in front of others are such simple tasks. Others don't have to give it a second thought. But here I sit, dreading the next time such a situation will come up. Feeling like I will have to drop out of grad school, feeling like a weirdo, feeling like I should just be a hermit. Why am I like this? Why has shaking become an automatic response in those situations? I know that there is no fear. I know that it doesn't make sense. I know that no one is thinking too horribly of me (although, I still do think they must think I'm kinda weird).

Anyways, we'll see how this semester goes. I guess I'll get back to the yoga and the meditation and such. Keep on keeping on. 

Thanks to the two people who commented on my last entry! Even if no one read this blog, I would still keep it up for my own good because I think it helps me to get things out through writing. But I'm very glad that people are reading this. It helps to know that we're not all alone in this.

Now, I have to talk about how great I've been doing with anxiety lately. I've been taking some supplements- a vitamin B complex and magnesium, to be exact. I read that taking these can help some people with anxiety. It may or may not be helping me. Hard to tell. But one thing that I think has helped me tremendously is making time to do yoga at least once a week, 2 or 3 times ideally. I do the yoga about 40 minutes each time. This has helped me to feel better mentally and physically. If I don't feel like getting around to doing yoga, I at least take my dog out on a 20 minute or so walk when the weather is nice. I've also been trying to eat better. I actually go to the grocery store, although it's a pain, rather than living off fast food all week. I've also been listening to my meditation CD. I do this only once and awhile, when I feel particularly anxious or have some stressful situation coming up. I do this only ever so often since I only have the one CD, I don't want to get bored with it. I need to purchase some others because I think meditation is really helpful to me, along with the exercise.

So this has all helped me feel better in general. But, as I talked about in my last entry, I wanted to work on the specific phobia of writing in front of others. I started out slowly. I made sure that whenever I was seated with others, I put my paper in plain view and just wrote. Even if I had nothing to write, I just scribbled my name or drew little pictures, whatever just to be writing. I did this because it gave me a chance to write around other people, knowing that they could look but they probably weren't because their focus wasn't on me. I did this for a few weeks as just a small step to gradually build myself up to not caring about writing when someone is looking at me.

Now, all along there has been a situation every other week where I have to write in front of a professor. This is because I've started doing clinical practicum this semester and for one of my clinics I have to fill out an audiogram in front of my professor. She is right beside me, staring right at what I'm doing. I knew this would be hard for me, so I've been taking a .25mg Xanax right before I go in to do this. And I've been doing great. My hand has not shook at all. This makes me feel very good. Who knows if the Xanax really works this great or if it's just a placebo effect, but who cares? I don't. All I know is that it gives me a chance write directly in front of someone in a stressful situation and do absolutely fine. This builds up my confidence for writing in front of others in daily, nonstressful sitatuations. Of course, I only allow myself to take the Xanax in this situation, once a week only. Everyone always talks about how addictive Xanax is, and I certainly don't want to become addicted. I don't want to have to rely on Xanax just to be able to simply write in front of someone. However, I think that for the time being while I'm working on getting over this fear, small doses in moderation is okay for me.

So I've been doing well with situations that I know are coming up that I can prepare myself for, psyche myself up for. But I was still having trouble with situations that would come out of the blue where I'd have to write in front of someone. Everywhere I'd go, I'd worry that something was going to come up where I'd have to sign my name directly in front of someone or something. I actually shouldn't phrase this in past tense because I still very much worry about this everyday, but I've gotten better. For example, yesterday another student came up to me and needed me to sign a part of some paperwork I completed. For a second, fear flashed in my mind and I thought, "oh no." But I did fine. I didn't shake at all even though I was sititng down and she was staring right over my shoulder. So even though I'm still thinking all of this, it's remaining just that...thoughts. I've been telling myself that just because I think something doesn't mean it has to become an actuality if I don't want it to. If negative thoughts pop into my head, then great. Let them. But don't let them equal fear. Sure, it's annoying. Sure, I'd rather not think them at all. It's hard to control your thoughts. We all know that when you don't want to think about something, that's all you can think about it. But it's easier to control your actions and control how you respond to a thought. When a negative thought pops into my head, I say to myself, "fine, think about it all day long; it doesn't bother me that much; it doesn't mean that thought is actually going to happen; just because the thought is there doesn't mean I have to believe it."

Another thing I've found helpful, is writing very slowly when I do have to write in front of someone else. Before, I'd try to write as fast as I could to get it over with. I thought if I wrote fast, I wouldn't focus as much on them staring, I wouldn't shake, and I'd get done faster. But that didn't work for me. I just shook worse, it seemed, when I wrote fast. So now I try to write slowly, not abnormally slowly to the point it looks weird, but just a little slower that what someone normally would. And I try to focus on the point of the pen marking the paper. This may seem like it drags out the excrutiation and makes me focus even more on my writing. But it actually does the opposite. Taking things slower makes me remain pretty calm, tells my body and mind that this is not a situation to fear and run from. Focusing on the pen does make me focus more on my writing, but that's not a bad thing. By focusing intently on my writing, I'm focusing less on worrying about how the other person is focusing on me & my writing. One time while doing this, the phrase "slow and steady wins the race" popped into my head. I guess this phrase comes from that story of the rabbit and the turtle. Kind of random. Not like this story was a childhood favorite or anything. I never think about it. This isn't a phrase you hear others say all the time. But it just popped into my head, so now I use it. Whenever I'm writing, I think to myself "slow and steady wins the race." And it makes me feel better. I think giving yourself a word or phrase to repeat helps you to focus positively.

Well, I'll end here. I hope that others will find some of these things helpful to them, as well!

For the most part, I do not believe that I have social anxiety. I think that, mainly, I have general anxiety disorder and panic disorder. But I think that it's often to neatly categorize yourself into one category because the different types of anxiety overlap.

So in this entry, I'll talk about one social phobia that I have....writing and eating in front of others. I become worried that my hand will start shaking when I write and someone is looking at me. And same thing with eating. I become worried that my hand will start shaking when bringing the fork or spoon up to my mouth. I should only say fork rather, because I never order anything that I'd have to eat with a spoon in front of someone. I don't know why I developed this phobia. It just kinda came out of the blue. And it comes and goes. Right now it's hanging out and I hate it.

It all started back again because I noticed that my hands were shakey. Just a little shakey, just from normal stress and anxiety. No one could tell unless I held my hand straight out, then you could see a little more shakiness than normal. Well, this bothered me and I become focused on it, which of course made the shaking worse. During this whole time, I had to take a final exam (I think I may have talked about this exam situation in the last entry). Well, I get a little uptight while taking exams. And this time, I started thinking about what if my hands started shaking so bad that I couldn't finish the test and I'd have to tell the teacher that I have anxiety or what if I failed the test because of this. Of course, this thinking made my hands shake very badly. Thankfully, not bad enough that I couldn't finish the test (I even made an A ~ go me!). 

Cut to a month later when school started back after Christmas vacation. I was feeling very anxious that first week of school. Of course the morning that I was feeling particularly anxious, I had to sign something in the office with the secretary watching. Not only watching, but she was holding the book that I had to sign in. I only had to sign my initials twice and the date twice. My hands shook like crazy! I was embarrassed and frustrated and angry and just hated anxiety and wasn't too pleased with myself. I told the secretary that I had had a panic attack earlier that morning and that's why I was shaking so bad. I really had not had a panic attack, but I didn't want to say it was just anxiety causing that because a lot of people hear the word "anxiety" and just think "nervousness." So I didn't think she'd understand and that I needed to say panic attack because people associate that with more extreme anxiety. And I sure didn't want to say that I've developed this bizarre phobia of writing in front of others. That's so embarrassing.

Well, I thought I'd never be able to show my face in front of that secretary again. But, of course, I have to because I have to check out files from the office everyday. Thankfully, I sign for that on a card that I have myself and bring it to her, so there's no writing in front of her. But she has been very nice to me and always telling me not to let grad school stress me out and that it will get easier. That's nice of her, but unfortunately this isn't the normal nervousness grad students have. I've been dealing with anxiety forever and only within that past 9 months or so have I been really trying to do something about it. I know it's going to take awhile before it goes away. Or I guess it may never really completely go away. But I look forward to the day when it's not my first thought upon waking and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. Because I am constantly thinking about anxiety. It's always in my thoughts, however, I do not let it rule my actions. I refuse to. You can't let it control you if you ever want to move past it.

So anyways, then I had a situation coming up where I knew I'd have to fill out some paperwork in front of a professor. I started dreading that day about a week before it came. But guess what? It went absolutely fine. Granted I took a xanax before I went in, but that's okay. I rarely take xanax and it's okay if I take it once and awhile in a situation like this. I think having a chance to be able to be in that situation and be relatively calm and be able to get through it shows me that the situation isn't all that bad. And that I can learn to deal with those situations without the medicine. It just gives me a positive experience to be proud of and to gain motivation from.

My hands are shakey today, in general, not with just writing. I don't feel particulary anxious mentally, but lately I've been experiencing the physical symptoms. So now I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with the physical symptoms when I feel okay mentally and I don't really know where these symptoms could be coming from. I suppose my body has just learned to live in this state, so even when I feel okay, my body stays in this state. But the longer that I feel good mentally and tell myself that I'm in control and that I can get through this, I believe the physical symptoms will disappear. I hope! :)

So that's my entry for today.

PS: If anyone is reading this blog, please leave comments! I'd love to know if anyone is actually relating to me or if I'm just talking to myself. :) 

In the name of New Year's resolutions, I am beginning a blog as a space to work through & learn to deal with my anxiety. Hopefully, others with similar issues will find this blog & see that they are not alone. Hopefully, I can provide some tips on techniques that I have learned & vice versa.

So, let me tell you a little bit about myself. Looking back, I've probably had anxiety most of my life. I first started noticing it in highschool, but I did not think I had "anxiety disorder." It was in college, that I started to think, "okay, I have some anxiety issues." But I did okay, made good grades & all that. However, I had major test anxiety. I would feel as if I were about to pass out when I was handed the test. I would have hot flashes. I would race through tests. My hands would shake while writing. Sometimes I'd even get a migraine & could barely read the tests because of visual aura disturbances. (I have still have test anxiety, by the way.)

So I made it through undergrad. I remember at my graduation, I was very anxious. The stadium was packed with thousands of graduates & family & friends. I could barely sit still in my seat. I was very fidgety. I had to keep getting up to get a cup of water to drink. I just told my family & friends it was because I was hot. Which it was hot that day, but I was doing this because I could not sit there without feeling super anxious. I had to get up and escape for a moment.

After I graduated, I took a few continuing education courses that I needed for graduate school. At this same time, I was studying for the GRE's, filling out applications, writing admission essays, getting recommendations, doing a ton of volunteer work. On top of school stuff, I had some personal issues going on. I had just moved into an apartment on my own after living with a serious boyfriend for 2 years. I had been with that guy for over 5 years and I broke up with him because I didn't want to be tied down so young. I wanted to date other people. I wanted to find out who I am. (I'm still doing all this, by the way). So that was all a lot of pressure. I then briefly dated a guy I had known a year previously. That relationship really went sour. I felt used and lost a friend. I'm telling you all this because all of these factors added up to an even greater level of anxiety- PANIC ATTACKS.

I started having major panic attacks. They mostly came in the middle of the night, leaving me afraid to even go to sleep. I'd wake up feeling very disoriented. I felt like I was in a strange dream, like I wasn't in reality anymore, like I wasn't me anymore. I had a feeling like I wanted to "get out" but I had nowhere to go. I had a feeling like I was about to crawl out of my skin. I literally was convinced that I was going crazy. It all got so bad, that even when I wasn't having a panic attack, I still lived in a high anxiety mode. I felt the depersonalization/out of reality symptom everyday for months straight. I still have it from time to time, thankfully not everyday anymore.

Anyways, so I got on medication, went to therapy, learned some relaxation techniques, and started reading self-help books. I made pretty good progress and was doing great for awhile.

So why am I here now? Well, because I feel as if I'm starting to relapse. Not that I was ever totally "cured," but I was getting better. It's like the saying goes, "one step forward, two steps back." Here's my situation at the moment- I am about to enter my second semester of grad school. Over the holidays, I have been incredibly nervous. Actually, not even so much mentally. I feel fine mentally, but I am having several physical symptoms. The biggest and most annoying is shakiness and muscle twitches. My hands have been shaking for awhile now. Of course, it's all I can focus on. I'm afraid that everyone will notice and that I will look like a weirdo. I'm afraid that my hands will shake so bad when I go to take a test that I won't even be able to write and fail the test, thus failing classes, thus having to drop out of grad school, thus being a complete failure. Yes, I do place a lot of pressure on myself. :)

But seriously, I've made it my New Year's resolution to start back journaling and working on the other techniques I've learned. I see now that you don't get rid of anxiety overnight. I've had it all my life so it is going to take more than a few months to get over it. I have to work on all this for awhile.

So that's my first blog. There will be more to come. I have many more problems to discuss! :) In the meantime, please feel free to leave comments.